Tavinder Kaur New

Facing Triple Negative Breast Cancer

A month after Mark completed treatment, Tavinder herself was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in 2014. This aggressive type of cancer is not hormone-related, has fewer targeted treatments, and carries high risks of recurrence.

She went through six cycles of chemotherapy, a mastectomy and radiotherapy. Nearly a year of her life was consumed by treatment. “It felt surreal,” she recalled. “I had just cared for Mark, and suddenly I became the patient.”

Preserving Fertility Before Treatment

Because chemotherapy can trigger early menopause, doctors advised Tavinder to undergo fertility preservation. Eight eggs were retrieved, and two embryos developed successfully. Those embryos became a symbol of hope that one day, despite everything, she and Mark could become parents.

Living in Limbo: Five Years of Waiting

Doctors advised her not to attempt pregnancy for five years, due to the high risk of cancer returning. Those years of waiting were painful. While friends married and had babies, Tavinder felt life had left her behind. The embryos were there, but her body and her health needed time.

“I felt like my life was stationary, while everyone else was moving forward,” she said.

The IVF Journey and Shattered Hope

In 2022, Tavinder finally had the chance to try IVF. Scans revealed she had fibroids and adenomyosis, conditions that make pregnancy more difficult. She had surgery to remove fibroids and took hormone treatment to suppress adenomyosis.

Doctors recommended transferring both embryos at once. The two-week wait was filled with fragile hope. But when the pregnancy test was negative, Tavinder described her grief as devastation beyond words.

“I felt like my life was over. We had pinned so much hope on those embryos. When it failed, I didn’t know who I was anymore.”

Fibroids, Adenomyosis and Unrelenting Pain

The IVF hormones worsened her fibroids and adenomyosis. She experienced heavy bleeding, excruciating pain, and swelling that made her look pregnant, which was a cruel irony. Everyday life became unbearable.

Despite repeatedly seeking medical help, it took over a year to see a gynaecologist. “If a man was bleeding this much, it would have been treated as urgent,” she said.

Read about Adenomyosis here.

The Decision to Have a Hysterectomy

Eventually, doctors advised that a hysterectomy was the best option. The surgery was done laparoscopically (keyhole), though Tavinder’s enlarged womb made the procedure more complex.

The operation was life-changing. The constant pain and bleeding stopped, but the emotional weight of losing her womb was enormous.

Read about hysterectomy here. 

Relief, Grief and Closing a Chapter

For Tavinder, the hysterectomy brought mixed emotions. On one hand, it was a relief because it ended her physical suffering and removed the false hope that she might “miraculously” get pregnant. On the other, it was a deep grief: the loss of her womb, her fertility and the dream of biological children.

“I no longer had to carry the pressure of trying. But I also had to face the reality that this chapter of my life was closed forever.”

Navigating Childlessness Not by Choice

Today, Tavinder describes herself as childless not by choice. She sometimes answers questions directly by saying “no” to children, other times she explains more, depending on the situation.

What hurts most, she says, is society’s insensitivity such as the constant questions, assumptions and pressure that every married woman must become a mother.

Finding Healing Through Writing

Throughout her journey, writing became a lifeline. From her teenage years, poetry had always helped Tavinder process emotions, but after cancer and infertility, it became her strongest healing tool.

She now contributes monthly poetry to Fertility Network UK and facilitates writing workshops, including sessions for World Childless Week, helping other women use writing as a form of healing.

Challenging Society’s Perceptions of Womanhood

Tavinder is outspoken about the way society defines women by motherhood. She believes change is needed, starting from a young age, to show that a woman’s worth is not tied to having children.

“There’s an assumption that women without children are less. That we don’t know true love, or our lives are easier. But that isn’t true. Every day I live with grief. My life has been hard in ways people don’t see.”

Life Beyond Motherhood

Despite the heartbreak, Tavinder has found meaning in advocacy, writing, and connecting with others who share her journey. She and Mark are exploring options like fostering and adoption, but she knows those aren’t “fixes” to her grief.

Her story is one of resilience. “There is life beyond cancer and beyond not having children,” she says. “A legacy isn’t only about motherhood. It’s about how we live, who we help and the love we give.”