Infant Loss Therapy, Lived Experience, and Finding the Right Support, A Conversation With Roisin

Infant Loss Therapy, Lived Experience, and Finding the Right Support

In this second conversation on Healing After Infant Loss, I’m joined again by Roisin, a therapist who specialises in baby loss support and who also has her own lived experience of loss.

If you have not watched our first interview, Roisin shared her full story there. In this episode, we focused on what therapy can look like after miscarriage, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons, or any form of pregnancy and infant loss, and why finding the right therapist matters so much.

This post shares the key ideas from our chat in a clear, easy-to-read way.

A quick overview of Roisin’s story

Roisin shared that her first pregnancy ended in stillbirth, her baby boy was stillborn. She later had a living daughter, then a miscarriage, and she now has two children at home.

That lived experience, alongside her professional training, is a big part of why her work resonates with so many people navigating loss.

Did Roisin always want to be a therapist?

No. Roisin’s path into therapy was not a straight line.

She studied politics and Irish language at university, travelled to Australia, and ended up working in an immigration detention centre in Darwin. Her role involved supporting families and children in small, human ways, crafts, activities, and moments of connection in an incredibly heavy environment.

That experience shaped something important in her, being around trauma, hearing stories she did not know how to hold yet, and wanting to be able to help in a deeper, more meaningful way.

Later, when she and her husband needed a way to return to Australia, they looked at study options. That was when she chose counselling training and committed to it, studying part-time over four years while working alongside placements. She qualified in 2019 and worked in trauma-focused settings, including a sexual violence organisation, before baby loss became the main focus of her work.

Why specialist baby loss therapy can feel different

One of the biggest themes we spoke about was this, you do not have to have lived experience to be a good therapist, but in baby loss, lived experience can remove a huge barrier.

Roisin described how many people can find a therapist who “works with grief”, but still feel unseen because baby loss has its own language and culture.

That includes things like:

the terminology people use, and what feels validating vs painful
the reality that different people relate differently to identity words like “parent” or “mother”
the unspoken rules people learn online about what to say, what not to say, and why
the unique mix of trauma, grief, medical systems, and future fertility decisions

When someone is already vulnerable, the extra burden of having to explain all of that can feel exhausting. A therapist who already understands the landscape can make the space feel safer, faster.

What therapy after infant loss can actually help with?

Roisin was honest that therapy is not one-size-fits-all. Some people have strong, safe support around them and do not feel they need formal therapy. Others feel stuck, overwhelmed, or unable to function in daily life.

Therapy may be especially supportive if you notice things like:

feeling stuck in loops of replaying the story
intrusive memories or flashbacks
anxiety, panic, or constant nervous system activation
low mood that is not lifting
anger that keeps spilling into relationships
guilt and shame that will not quiet down
avoidance, numbing, people-pleasing, overfunctioning
struggling with boundaries around friends, family, work, or social media
fear of trying again, or fear during pregnancy after loss
feeling like you do not recognise yourself anymore

A key point Roisin made is that therapy can also be a place where you do not have to protect anyone else. With a partner, family, or friends, it is normal to hold back because you do not want to upset them, trigger them, or worry them. In therapy, the space is built for your honesty.

“Do we only talk about loss?”

Not necessarily.

Roisin explained that even when baby loss is the reason someone starts therapy, sessions often widen into the full picture of their life. Loss creates ripple effects, and how those ripples show up depends on everything that came before, family dynamics, culture, early experiences, support systems, and the roles you learned to play.

This can include:

people-pleasing patterns
difficulty saying no
grief showing up as irritability, shutdown, or anxiety
conflict with a partner who grieves differently
disappointment in friends and family
workplace stress feeling heavier than usual
identity shifts, “who am I now?”

Sometimes therapy is about loss directly. Sometimes it is about life around loss.

Do men seek therapy after baby loss?

We spoke about how baby loss support often centres the person who carried the pregnancy, which can leave partners feeling overlooked. Roisin shared how, even in medical settings, support is often directed only at the pregnant person, and partners can feel like they have to be “the strong one”.

In her experience, women tend to seek support more often than men, but that is slowly changing. She also mentioned that there are more dads and male therapists speaking up online now, and that representation can help.

How long do people stay in therapy?

It varies. Some people come for a shorter period, especially if they have done therapy before and have existing tools. Others stay longer because baby loss is rarely a single chapter.

People may stay while they:

navigate trying again
cope with pregnancy after loss
experience further losses
decide not to try again and grieve that future
rebuild identity and boundaries
integrate grief into everyday life

Roisin also noted that access matters, some people can stay longer when therapy is covered through insurance or private health support.

When should someone start therapy after a loss?

There is no perfect rule.

Some services require a waiting period, but Roisin shared that fixed timelines can feel rejecting. Everyone’s needs are different.

In the earliest days after loss, many people are in shock and survival mode. Others feel an urgent need to talk right away. A good therapist will pay attention to readiness and capacity, including signs like repeated missed sessions or feeling very disengaged, and can suggest pausing, slowing down, or revisiting later without shame.

One important note that came up, therapy also works best when someone chooses it. If you are being pushed into it by someone else, it may not land the same way.

Gentle ways to stay connected to your baby

This part of the conversation was especially tender.

Roisin shared that connection does not have to be elaborate, public, or performative. It can be quiet and personal.

Ideas we spoke about included:

saying good morning to your baby
writing a letter, even if it feels confronting
a small ritual like lighting a candle
planting a flower that blooms around a meaningful time
honouring dates that matter, including the day you found out you were pregnant
wearing jewellery or a ring with initials
tattoos with symbols, dates, or quiet meaning
sunsets, nature moments, and private check-ins
acts of kindness in their memory, like paying for someone’s coffee
donating a gift to a charity for the age your child would be now

We also touched on how social media can make grief feel like something you have to prove. If you are private, or you do not do birthdays, cakes, posts, or announcements, that does not mean your love is smaller. It means your grief has its own shape.

Shame, guilt, jealousy, and anger after loss

These feelings are common, and they can be intense.

Roisin explained that guilt often shows up as “what did I do wrong?” especially when the loss happened inside your body. Shame can show up when you compare yourself to others or feel different. Anger can be directed at medical systems, friends, family, your partner, your body, or the unfairness of life.

Her core advice was:

Acknowledge the feelings rather than pushing them away
Practise self-compassion by asking, “What would I say to a friend?”
Get curious about what is underneath, often sadness, fear, and grief
Create boundaries, especially around triggers and social media
Name the need, sometimes the real need is safety, distance, rest, or support

Avoiding the emotions can make them leak out sideways, through overwhelm, conflict, coping behaviours, or shutting down.

Can you go to therapy years later?

Yes.

Roisin shared that she has worked with people processing major life events decades later. Baby loss can shape anxiety, identity, relationships, and self-worth in ways that only become clear with time. If it is still coming up, it is not “too late”.

Roisin’s 3-week self-paced course

Roisin also shared that she has launched a 3-week self-paced course, created for people who want support but may not be able to access 1:1 therapy right now.

It includes short sessions (around 15 to 30 minutes), resources to print or journal through, and a grounding meditation at the end of each session so you can feel contained before returning to the rest of your day.

The themes include:

foundations of safety, triggers, and support systems
communication, boundaries, and self-compassion
guilt, trauma responses, everyday life after loss
connection, glimmers, and moving forward with what you have learned

A final note on finding the right therapist

I shared in the episode that I have had therapy experiences that were helpful until they were not, and that a lack of baby loss understanding can sometimes add pain.

If therapy has not felt right before, that does not mean therapy is not for you. It may mean that therapist was not for you.