Navigating the In-Between: When You’re Not Trying, Not Done and Not Sure What’s Next

After loss, there isn't always a clear next step. Some people jump straight back into trying again. Others close the chapter completely. But for many of us, we land in a space that doesn’t quite fit into any of those categories.

We're not actively trying. We're not saying never. We're not sure what we want anymore.

This in-between is hard to name, hard to explain, and even harder to talk about. It doesn’t show up in most support groups or hashtags. It doesn’t have a neat category in the fertility world. But it’s real, and many of us are living it.

The Aftermath of Loss

After multiple miscarriages or years of infertility, your relationship with your body, your partner, and your future can shift dramatically. Even if you once felt confident in wanting children, that certainty can start to fade. Fear replaces hope. Exhaustion replaces determination. The desire for peace starts to outweigh the desire for pregnancy.

And so you pause. You stop trying. But you also can’t bring yourself to say, "We’re done."

This pause might be weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes you tell people you’re taking a break. Other times, you avoid the conversation altogether. Maybe you don’t even tell your closest friends. How do you explain something you barely understand yourself?

When Partners Want Different Things

This in-between can also expose cracks in your relationship. What happens when one of you still wants to try again, but the other is done? What if one is terrified of another loss, while the other is quietly hoping the next round will be different?

Do you wait it out? Do you compromise? Do you separate?

These are impossible questions. And most couples don’t talk about them publicly because the stakes are so high. Love is still there. Grief is still raw. And this kind of impasse feels too complex, too taboo, too risky to name aloud.

But we need to talk about it. Because it’s not uncommon. And you’re not a failure if you and your partner are in different places. You’re human. You’re navigating grief, trauma, biology, desire, and identity—all wrapped into one fragile conversation.

The New Tribe

Maybe you’re not trying anymore. Maybe you’re not done either. Maybe you’re still thinking about egg donation, IVF, adoption, or just living child-free.

Welcome to the in-between. This quiet middle place where you don’t fully belong to the TTC community anymore, but you’re also not ready to close the door.

This is a new tribe. We are the not-yet-decided, the maybe-still-hopeful, the figuring-it-out-as-we-go. And even though we might not have a name or a label, we exist. We are here.

You are not alone if you feel:

• Confused
• Tired
• At peace some days, devastated on others
• Unsure what to say when someone asks if you're trying again
• Guilty for enjoying parts of life without kids
• Hopeful one minute, hopeless the next

We don’t talk about this space enough. But we should. Because it’s where a lot of us end up. And it deserves recognition, compassion, and community.

Making Space for the Messy Middle

If you’re in this space, know that you don’t need to decide everything right now. It’s okay not to have a plan. It’s okay to revisit the same questions again and again.

It’s okay to:

• Change your mind
• Prioritise peace over pregnancy
• Want something and also fear it
• Stay together and disagree
• Grieve what you hoped for and still celebrate what you have

There is room for all of it.

This isn't a story of resolution or closure. It's a story of courage—to sit with uncertainty, to honour your body and your relationship, and to live in this complex, emotional, real space that so many others are quietly inhabiting too.

We are the new tribe. And you are welcome here.