Rosie Andre (Founder of H.A.I.L)

I cried as I knew what was happening. So I went to the doctors where he examined me and said "yeah, you're probably having a miscarriage, it happens all the time". He was so blasé about it all and made me feel even worse. I went for a scan at the local ultrasound place and they didn't see a heart beat. By this point I was bleeding heavily and took 2 days off work to recover (and cry on the sofa).

Jeremie came home as planned on the Thursday and straight away I wanted to be pregnant again. I didn't give myself time to mourn what had happened, apart from those first 2 days when I was on my own. I had heard about miscarriages but had no idea it would happen to me. I didn't know what to do and I felt so alone as my husband was away with work, my friends all lived 30 mins away. Plus I didn't tell them as I didn't want people to know we were trying. And I was living in France so all my family were not around either. It was a very scary and lonely couple of days dealing with it on my own.

My Abortion at 6.5 months pregnant (26 weeks)

I got pregnant again in the November and was expecting a baby the next year. I didn't get excited or tell anyone about it because I knew all too well that at any point it could all be taken away from me. So even though I was looking on the pregnancy app at how far along I was, and how big the baby was. I never let myself get too excited.

We went home for Christmas and it was obvious I was pregnant because I often felt sick but also I didn't drink any alcohol or eat any sushi etc. I told my parents but stupidly didn't tell my brothers until the 3 month scan in January, even though they already knew. We had the 3 month scan and started telling our family & friends and started getting excited about it and planning for the future. We found a clinic where we wanted to give birth rather than at the hospital, we had bought books, started buying little bits like dummies, baby grows, memory books etc.

Then in April 2017 I did my 22 week scan and I will never forget it. She did the scan in silence. I asked if everything was ok and she said "I'll talk to you at the end of the scan." So I wiped away the gel, did up my trousers and sat at the desk. She explained that there was a problem with the baby, But honestly I don't think the next 4 weeks really registered with me. I had lots of scans, appointments, tests etc. And basically we were told that the baby has suspected Ellis Van Creveld Syndrome which is a very rare genetic disorder and I had the choice to either continue with the pregnancy, which would probably end in still birth or if the baby survived birth, would need multiple serious operations including a heart operation. Or we could have an abortion.

It was the hardest decision I ever had to make and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So 4 weeks later we had an abortion. I was living in a nightmare. I never wanted an abortion. I wanted to keep this baby. I wanted to be a mum more than anything and it was a pain I have never experienced before and have not experienced since. I was devastated and switched between feeling major anxiety, depression and panic to feeling numb and like it wasn't even happening to me. It was horrible. They did an autopsy and we had the funeral a week later. Again this was the worst experience. My parents came over to be with us during this time, as well as my husband's parents.

Because technically I gave birth (I was 26 weeks pregnant, had an epidural, had to push him out and spent 1 hour with him afterwards), I had 6 months of maternity leave, but my husband only had 2 weeks. So he soon went back to work and I was left on my own again in this empty apartment dealing with my grief. It got so bad that at one point I was suicidal and couldn't see the end of the tunnel. I couldn't see a way out or how it could ever get better.

The Aftermath of the Abortion

But one thing that kept me going was starting a blog. I learned how to create my own website. If I had a "good" day, I would drive myself to a nearby town, take photos and spend the next week writing a blog post, editing the photos and putting together blog posts from areas around Marseille (close to where I was living). And honestly, this saved my life. It gave me purpose again when I was on maternity leave and my husband was back at work.

Some of my biggest struggles were walking past the baby aisle in the supermarket. I would break down. Watching any films that involved pregnancy, birth, children were triggering. Also if I ever heard a baby cry, I would break down. But the worst was seeing any pregnant people. I had so much anger and hatred that I really wanted to attack them, stab their bellies, kill their babies because "why do they deserve to have a healthy pregnancy and I don't?". I also had my milk come in the day I had the abortion so also had to deal with leaky, rock hard boobs without a baby to feed.

I had depression for around 8 months but we had an amazing opportunity to move to Miami, Florida for my husband's work and that really healed me. I remember at one point, I would cry every time we stepped in our front door because I was so sad to enter an empty and childless apartment. The pain felt unbearable.

So we moved to Miami and this is where I would say I started to heal. I was away from the place where it had happened. Away from all the people who had pity for us. All the memories of what we no longer had. And being in Miami was my medicine. We did lots of yoga, meditation, cacao ceremonies, human connection events, women's circles, DayBreaker. And throughout all of these different events, I was able to process the grief and cry and let go of it all and start to see the other side.

Miscarriage number 2 in Cuba

In 2019 we got pregnant again. This time I had a miscarriage in November, in Cuba, at 8 weeks pregnant, the day before my husband's birthday. So I had to suck it up and deal with it. I cried for 1 day, but I didn't want to "waste" our vacation. So I would cry here and there but I really wanted to enjoy our holiday too. That was kind of fucked up now I look back at it. I should have mourned properly. But let me tell you, walking around Cuba, doing day trips, taking cute travel snaps isn't the same when you're in agony, bleeding and using shitty pads that don't soak up any blood that you found in a Cuban supermarket.

Missed Miscarriage during Lockdown

Then in 2020 we got pregnant again. This time I had a missed miscarriage which means I was 11.5 weeks pregnant but the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. I went in for my 9 week scan and they said the baby was measuring 6 weeks with a faint heatbeat. And I remember being so confused because I had always tracked my periods and when we had sex. So I knew I couldn't be 6 weeks pregnant. Then I realised it was a missed miscarriage. This all happened in April 2020 when Covid was everywhere. People were dying and I was terrified to touch anything or do anything wrong to affect me or baby. I had a scan 2 weeks later and there was no heart beat. The next day I had the miscarriage, in the toilet.

Even though we knew about the risk of EVC, we wanted to try naturally because IVF is expensive in the USA. But also, we thought we might be lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy.

Embryo Freezing in the UK

If that wasn't enough. In 2022 (age 34), we decided to do embryo freezing so that we have some embryos in storage if we ever decide to try again. We did this in England and ended up with 8 eggs being collected. From this 8, only 5 were mature, 4 fertilised, and 3 made it to day 5. From those 3 embryos, 1 had EVC, 1 had a chromosome abnormality and cannot be used, and 1 is ok to use. I documented the whole process on YouTube but it was quite the ordeal.

Overview

So if you look at it all. I've had 2 miscarriages, 1 missed miscarriage, 1 abortion and 1 round of IVF which resulted in 1 frozen embryo. We have no idea if we want to try again in the future or not. At the moment (2024) we are travelling around the world and loving life without any children, but I know this might change and we might one day decide to try again.

It's been one hell of a rollercoaster these past 8 years. But the main thing is that my husband and I are happy, in love, healthy and loving life. Even if it's not at all what we had planned 8 years ago. I never thought we would go through all of this. I didn't think it would happen to me, to us. But it did.

And I'm here to tell you that it does get better. I have spoken to several women who experienced some sort of loss and now have a child (or children) but there are also people like me who are happy without having children.

I have wanted to start something like this to be able to help women to feel less alone, to feel less blame, less guilt and less depression. Since 2016 when I experienced my first miscarriage, I didn't know how I could help, I didn't feel emotionally ready to listen to other stories and be able to offer support. I had been dealing with my own things.

But now I feel ready to help other women tell their stories, be vulnerable, and get through this hard time together. So please share your story, as much or as little as you would like.

This space is for you. It's for us.

With love and compassion,

Rosie